Wednesday, 23 April 2014


Woke up this morning feeling like I'd been beaten up by an angry mob of pugilistic rhinos.

The cause of my discomfort? The beginning of yet another touch rugby 'season' last night.

I had half-expected (secretly hoped?) that my usual team, all being that little bit older, might have taken the decision to retain a modicum of dignity this year by retiring gracefully. But alas no, it seems as if the band is being put back together for at least one more tour.

And so there I was yesterday evening, desperately trying to keep up with kids more than half my age whilst also attempting to keep the heart and lungs functioning at the same time. Multi-tasking has never been one of my strengths, it must be said.

For heaven's sake, I hear you're thinking, it's only touch rugby, how bad can it be? Well, in my case pretty bad. It was tough enough having to deal with the sight of the avatar that Wii Fit created for me at the weekend (much to young Master F's amusement) - I really didn't need this reminder of how badly out of shape I am.

Still, it was only a practice session and the serious stuff doesn't kick off for a couple of weeks - time I can put to good use by having a good, long lie down.

Friday, 11 April 2014

In the Pink

It's not often that I find myself agreeing with Austin Healy, but the former England scrum-half and general rugby rentagob has come up with an interesting suggestion to assist rugby's beleaguered TMOs.

Healy's suggestion is that rugby balls should be luminous pink or green rather than white, giving the officials a better chance of seeing the ball and making the correct decision when it is hidden among a  collection of bodies over the line following a driving maul.
It's not such a terrible idea provided, of course, that bright pink or green shirts are outlawed.
Better decision making and the end of crap rugby shirts - as far as I'm concerned that's a win, win.

Saturday, 5 April 2014

Good luck, Dude

All the very best of luck goes out to Monbeg Dude in today's Grand National at Aintree.

The winner of Welsh National in January 2013, 'The Dude' is co-owned by Gloucester's Mike Tindall and James Simpson-Daniel and Bristol's Nicky Robinson.

At around 20-1 he might also be worth a punt...?

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Ritchie quits RFU

It has emerged overnight that the RFU’s Chief Executive, Ian Ritchie, is set to quit Twickenham to take up a role at the Foreign Office.

Fresh from his recent triumph in pulling all the stakeholders in European rugby back from the brink of mutually assured destruction, it appears that Ritchie has been headhunted by David Cameron’s government to lead discussions with Russia in establishing a diplomatic solution to the crisis in Crimea and Eastern Ukraine.

Ritchie is due to hold talks with Foreign Secretary William Hague and US Secretary of State John Kerry in the next few days before flying out to Kiev for discussions with Ukraine's interim president Olexander Turchynov. He is then expected to lead high level negotiations with Moscow.

According to government sources, if Ritchie “could persuade the idiots at the WRU to fall into line then dealing with Putin’s Russia will be a doddle.”

If, as anticipated, Ritchie’s efforts in Ukraine are successful, he is then expected to head up talks to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, end the war in Syria and re-unite North and South Korea.

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

The end of an era...?

Reports from the south of France suggest that Jonny Wilkinson is planning to hang up his playing boots at the end of the season.

If true then it is certainly the end of an era. It is typical of Wilkinson that there’s been no public announcement or fanfare or planned farewell tour. If he had his way I’m sure he would just play his final game, make his tackles, kick his points and then shuffle off into the background hoping that no one noticed.

Fat chance. Whether he wants it or not Jonny Wilkinson will receive huge accolades for what he has achieved.

Naysayers might claim that he is a limited player. Great kicker, great defence but no flair. They would be wrong.

Between 1999 and 2003 Wilkinson was simply the best 10 out there – an integral part of an excellent England team that scored tries for fun. While not blessed with great speed, he was still an elusive runner who created space and time for his fellow backs to thrive.

And then there was THAT drop goal…

In many ways, however, it is the Wilkinson post-2003 that impressed the most. Stricken by injury time after time and at times apparently engulfed by self doubt, it would have been easy for him to walk away. Instead he kept coming back and coming back from setback after setback – and to have featured in 4 Rugby World Cups is testament to his determination and longevity against the odds. At times he struggled for international form and at times it appeared he was selected for England on reputation rather than form, ahead of perhaps more deserving players. But that was hardly his fault and no one should doubt his courage, dedication or professionalism.

Spending the twilight of his career in international retirement in the sunny south of France – where the Heineken Cup has been added to his list of honours - is no more than he has deserved. Ironically, after a difficult end to his international career in 2011, I suspect that he would have flourished in Stuart Lancaster’s England set-up (although the rigours of the Premiership might yet have done for him). 

This week I received an email from a well known online betting exchange suggesting odds for what Jonny might do next. Appearances on Strictly Come Dancing (15/8), I'm A Celebrity (33/1) and Celebrity Big Brother (50/1) were included. Not a chance – my guess is that we’ll see JW doing something low key or worthy or both. The last thing he needs or craves is celebrity.

Enjoy your retirement Jonny – you deserve it.

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Scrum down, Russia Put in...

Last week’s referendum in Crimea may have been described as a farce, but surely no more so than the rugby match 24 hours earlier between Russia and Crimea in Simferopol. 

Somewhat improbably Crimea – not even a national team and with therefore no IRB ranking – managed to stage a remarkable comeback from being 17-40 down at half time to secure a 59-59 draw with the 19th world ranked Russians.

Move along now, nothing to see here…

Saturday, 22 March 2014

Whatever happened to: the Forward Pass?

What is, and what is not, a forward pass?

To me the answer is simple. If a pass looks forward then, in all likelihood, it is forward. That certainly used to be the case.

After all, rugby's Law 12 seems simple enough. “"A throw forward occurs when a player throws or passes the ball forward."

How naive am I?

Apparently it is no longer enough to see that a pass is forward - the naked eye is no longer to be trusted. No, these days we appear to require a degree in physics before we can make such a complex call.

Newton's law of motion, I am reliably informed, says that “an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force." In other words, to put Newton into some sort of rugby context, when deciding if a pass is forward we now need to take into account the momentum of the passing player.

So it’s no longer enough just to see that a pass is forward. These days it is necessary to refer the matter “upstairs” (don't get me started) where the overworked TMO will review seemingly endless hours of footage in order to determine eventually that a pass, caught several metres ahead of where it was thrown, is “not obviously forward.”

Giving the benefit of the doubt to the attacking team is all very well, but even those who know next to nothing about rugby tend to be aware that a fundamental part of the game is that the ball cannot be passed forward. How ludicrous does it look, then, when you, I and millions watching on TV can see that a pass is blatantly forward only for the officials to decide otherwise, even after reviewing several replays which appear to confirm what we all saw in the first place?

Sadly for England rugby fans, even the officials at the Stade de France last week had to agree that Pascal Pape's last gasp pass last Saturday evening was so far forward that Damien Chouly caught the ball on Sunday morning.

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Six Nations 2014 Champs & Chumps...

Now that the dust has settled on another Six Nations, here are the TF Six Nations 2014 Champs & Chumps:


15. Mike Brown - or 'Superman' as he shall now be known
14. Yoann Huget - stroppy beggar, but one of very few bright sparks for the French this year
13. BOD - well, it kind of had to be, didn't it?
12. Luther Burrell - played 13 but naturally a 12 and was superb throughout.
11. Andrew Trimble - always a threat.
10. Jonny Sexton - edges out Owen Farrell but only just.
9. Danny Care - ran Mike Brown close as player of the tournament
1. Cian Healy - can someone please check what's in his porridge?
2. Dylan Hartley- a second career in darts awaits.
3. Alberto de Marchi - side-stepping Italian prop who plays both sides of the scrum.
4. Joe Launchbury- getting very, very close to world class.
5. Courtney Lawes - line-out prowess, impeccable tackling and prominent in the loose.
6. Tom Wood - the new Richard Hill.
7. Chris Robshaw - fitting that his final contribution was a much deserved try.
8. Toby Faletau - although it would have been cousin Billy if he'd stayed fit.


15. Stuart Hogg - red card against Wales left his team with no chance.
14. Liam Williams - post-try late hit on Paddy Jackson was a disgrace.
13. Mathieu Bastareaud - predictable, dull and ineffective. May have a future at tight head prop.
12. Jamie Roberts - flat track bully, found wanting in the pressure games.
11. Jonny May -  admittedly this is a tad harsh, but his unwillingness to back his pace was hugely frustrating.
10. Rhys Priestland - to call him a rabbit in the headlights would be an insult to rabbits.
9. Greg Laidlaw - Greg who? Utterly anonymous.
1. Gethin Jenkins - to continually repeat an offence you've constantly been warned about is just plain dumb.
2. Ross Ford - cow's arse, banjo, you do the rest.
3. Adam Jones - new scrum protocol appears to leaves him utterly bemused.
4. Richie Gray- again, perhaps a bit harsh, but he's nowhere near the player he was 24 months ago.
5. Big Jim Hamilton - now little more than a pantomime villain.
6. Dan Lydiate - a pale shadow of what we've seen in previous seasons.
7. Chris Fusaro - looked like a boy against men.
8. Louis Picamoles - sarcastic clapper of the tournament.

Monday, 17 March 2014

Six Nations 2014 - It's a wrap

And so the 6 Nations is over for another year. Congratulations Ireland, it may have taken a Pascal Pape forward pass but you got over the line and were deserved winners.

Wales played the part of flat-track bullies this year, unable to step up when it mattered whilst neither Italy nor Scotland can take much from the tournament . At least the Scots have Vern Cotter's arrival to look forward to, although it remains to be seen whether he will be able do anything other than put lipstick on a pig. France, meanwhile, were their usual basket-case selves.

As for England, another year of close yet no cigar. Progress, certainly, although with no tangible reward other than the meagre consolation of a Triple Crown.

Stuart Lancaster's thoughts will undoubtedly now turn to the 3 tests in New Zealand in June. Much is being made of the timing of the first test and the fact that England will be denied the services of those participating in the Premiership final the previous Saturday.

While it's true that the scheduling makes no sense at all, the fact that there's a good spread of clubs in this England squad means that the impact of the Premiership final on the starting XV may not be entirely catastrophic - assuming, of course, that further injuries do not play a part.

Say, for example, the final is contested by the current top two - Northampton and Sarries  - the starting XV could still be:

Marler, Youngs, Cole/Wilson, Launchbury, Parling/Attwood, Johnson, Morgan, Robshaw, Care, Ford, May/Yarde, Twelvetrees, Tuilagi, Nowell/Wade, Brown.

Arguably the team we don't want anywhere near the final is Quins as Chris Robshaw, Danny Care and Mike Brown are probably England's most influential players currently.